Individual Therapy with the Couple in Mind 3/6: Converting a Passion v Building a Bond

If we think about how relationships begin, we see broadly two types: either they start with a bang or a whisper – with a grand passion or with a gradual laying down of attachment threads.

In the first case, the couple who want a long-term bond will have to adjust to a life that is not always painted in technicolour. These couples can struggle when they first lose the neuro-cocktail that had made them giddy with passion. Individuals in therapy may be working through a bewilderment that, “He’s not the person I married”. Therapy may help them grieve the loss of the ideal and move towards acceptance of the mundane. If individual therapy can help clients into the depressive position, then a good enough marriage can be treasured over an idyllic one.

In the second case (building a bond) the connection grows more slowly and passion may or may not follow. This couple may have been close friends prior to becoming lovers. They may have been introduced in a more or less formal way by families, friends or agencies. When these individuals come to therapy, they may be asking themselves, “Is this really the one? Do I love them enough? Shouldn’t I be feeling swept off my feet?”

Systemic questions such as the following can be helpful because they invite an observational view and can surprise our unconscious:
 

• If you were looking back on this relationship in 10 years, what would you hope you had taken into account?
   
• What would your 20-year-old self say to you now?
   
• Who would be most surprised if you did not marry this person?
   
• Who would be most disappointed? 
   

None of these questions offer a solution to the dilemma but any of them may fire off new thoughts and free up reflections in someone who is feeling trapped within a binary choice.

Meeting through arranged marriage or dating sites

Arranged marriage is sometimes viewed as an alien concept by people in the West but on closer inspection many people see the wisdom of it. I think that any of the courtship routes work best when the family and individuals are blessed with secure attachment. If parents have developed a compassionate and reliable relationship themselves, if they love and know their children, they may be well placed to help them find a suitable partner. There will be support rather than pressure and children will know that their needs are respected alongside the importance of the two families fitting well together.

Good relations between in-laws are a great help to a couple but even when families have chosen each other they may not get on. Each of the courtship routes has its pitfalls and tragedies. The form of self-arranged marriage where partners search online can seem to offer the best of both worlds – there can be a careful selection process but with love given the final word. This too has its trials: apart from the scams and the ghosting, there is the pure exhaustion of trying again and again, and when we make our decision, because of that promise of infinite choice, there can be a fear that we should have searched for longer.

Individual therapy can be a great help to a client who is becoming mired in indecision. Of course this is not because the therapist would promote one view or the other, but they can offer a space for the client to listen to the hopes and fears that are creating their confusion.

Anne Power will be writing a regular blog on her website www.contentedcouples.com, where you can find attachment resources tailored to couples