Parenting a Child Through Mental Health Struggles: 13 Insights for Therapists
22 January, 2023
Taking my 14-year-old daughter to her first psychotherapy appointment didn’t feel like one of my greatest parenting moments, and neither was the suicide attempt that led to us sitting in the waiting room. We both felt an understandable fear of the unknown, mine mixed with a desperate hope that the therapist could give me some answers and my daughter some peace.
Now, seven years on, the despair and fear I felt are present in almost every parent I work with. Parents are desperate for change and suffering with vicarious trauma and compassion fatigue as a result of parenting through poor mental health. In their compassionate pursuit of the ‘fix’ to help their child, they are burning out; in trying to find the one special diagnosis, treatment or approach that will work; in trying to get their child to engage with any service they might receive because they know how precious that opportunity is; in trying to be heard and understood, while battling to hear and understand.
Working with a young person means you can have the additional pressure of dealing with the parent too – their fears, worries, judgements and beliefs. To encourage deeper connection and understanding between therapists and parents, here are some of the things I’ve learned and heard in the course of supporting over 35,000 parents:
1 It’s likely I am emotionally dysregulated, yet completely unaware of it. I’m not emotionally safe because my child isn’t. I’m not going to remember things you say or say things I remember. Please be patient and consistent with me.
2 Why won’t my child speak to me, but they’ll share with you? I’m frustrated and angry that at this important time, I can’t help. I know you’re the professional and I should trust and respect your expertise, but you knowing more than me can feel threatening.
3 I’m not used to this level of uncertainty and I won’t always respond well. It’s a response, not who I am. I’m trying to make sense of this and I’m sorry and grateful to you in equal measure, even when I don’t appear that way.
4 This feels so wrong. I’m consumed by what’s happening and it is impacting my whole life. I won’t be showing you my best side, although I’ll be trying to make a good impression.
5 I don’t understand why you can’t tell me what you’ve talked about in the session – I’m the parent! Please share with me why the therapeutic contract and confidentiality is so important for my child’s wellbeing, and that I’m not the only parent who may struggle with this.
6 My impatience isn’t a reflection of your skill. I will be simplifying therapy into a set of instructions, much like a recipe in my head, in an attempt to understand. You can help me by reassuring me of the therapeutic process, of how important time is, and by being consistent in how we engage.
7 When my child struggles to engage with therapy, it feels like a personal attack on me and highlights further my feelings of helplessness. My desire for my child to be ok supersedes any possible understanding of the time and faith it takes to build a trusted therapeutic relationship.
8 If you think I can help my child, please find a way to tell me, without breaching my child’s confidentiality. If I’m reactive, or you don’t trust me to not bring things up directly, please don’t. We’ll all thank you eventually.
9 It might take me quite some time to realise that my child’s reality is different to mine. I’m probably going on a journey of self-discovery and healing too. And that’s sad and hard for me.
10 It’s probable that I didn’t do most of what my child said I did, but if I did, I had no idea of the impact. While my child looks at my actions as themes, I see them as individual events. You have the power to compassionately remind me that I can change my responses.
11 I feel so alone and you may be the only person I feel I can speak to about my child’s mental health without fear of judgement. If you can give me a few minutes to listen, and direct me to Parenting Mental Health or other peer support, it could make a real difference.
12 I’m grieving a life I thought we were going to have.
13 And finally, you are a lifeline to my family in a time of adversity. I appreciate you, even when I don’t appear to. Thank you. Please keep doing this important work.
