Betrayal, Secrecy and Relationship Rupture: Couples Therapy Approach Combining Emotion Focussed Therapy (EFT) & Compassion Focussed Therapy (CFT)

During our uncertain times committed primary couple relationships are facing increasingly complex issues and as a result challenging relating. Perceived acts of betrayal or secrecy within committed relationships can rupture the natural flow of important norms of intimate connection. Many contextual factors can complicate issues of what is private versus secret, and what form of communication or relating represents betrayal and why. These factors include, social media use, access to pornography and sex work, social isolation restrictions in the times of COVID, periods of long distance relating, separated or blended family structures, and at times each individuals’ overwhelming and competing life demands. As Esther Peral (2007) unpacks in Mating in Captivity a modern primary committed relationship is looked to function as secure base, providing both practical and domestic support and emotional and sexual intimacy. This is a challenging load and ruptures to connection are understandably common. Many couples, unwilling or unable to separate for psychological, emotional, familial and financial reasons, and will settle for a less than satisfying experience relating, in essence building a defensive wall around the rupture event, their internal experience and the impacted area of their relating. The pain of relationship rupture in these forms is often endured or repeatedly cycled through with mental health consequences for one or both members of the couple.  However, using processes drawn from CFT and EFT, this kind of couple distress can an opportunity for the deepening of intimate emotional relating, the healing of old wounds and the establishment of better skills of emotional regulation (for the individuals) and the co-regulation of emotions (for the couple). Preliminary research in marital satisfaction suggest the mediating factors of resilience and self-compassion (Amani & Khosroshahi, 2020), while high psychological flexibility and self-compassion has been shown to mediate chaotic-enmeshment and anxiety in family functioning (Berryhill, Hayes & Lloyd, 2018). Drawing from her 23 years of clinical practice, personal journey of conscious relating, and wide variety of resources from this fascinating area, most specifically CFT and EFT, this workshop will impart conceptual frameworks and practical powerful processes that can be used directly in couples therapy to navigate this delicate terrain and improve individual life satisfaction and couple relationship quality.